When Pregnancy Anxiety Becomes Overwhelming

HOW A NICU NURSE OVERCAME HER OWN ANXIETY ABOUT PREGNANCY AND MOTHERHOOD

When I became pregnant, I was a NICU nurse with a lot of anxiety around my pregnancy. I had seen so many difficult things during my time in the NICU, coupled with an image I held of motherhood I could not identify with. I really felt a loss of control and sense of self.

So many women experience these feelings during pregnancy. I was completely lost, I had so many different feelings to process. Being pregnant is a total separation from one’s childhood, and you may start to ask yourself, what is a mom and what kind of mom do I want to be? I didn’t feel like I could discuss these thoughts with anyone. In fact, I felt little attachment to my pregnancy because of what I saw in the NICU. Unlike some of my friends and other women I encounter on a regular basis in my work, I didn’t enjoy being pregnant and not having control over my body. I felt limited physically, as I developed gestational diabetes and preeclampsia and had to be on bedrest for several weeks. Overwhelmed by fear and worry, it was easier to simply detach myself from the child I was carrying.

Thankfully, a co-worker saw my agony during pregnancy and recommended Seleni to me. I knew I needed to address the feelings and intrusive thoughts that were dominating my mind on a daily basis so I could feel stronger emotionally to get through pregnancy and becoming a first-time mom.

I was able to receive treatment with support from Seleni’s Financial Assistance Program. My therapist provided me with an exceptional tool box to navigate motherhood and, quite honestly, life. She taught me how to create boundaries in my personal life, prioritize my well-being as well as my family, while also giving me permission to feel the things I was feeling without shame. She helped me understand the definition of intrusive thoughts, some of which paralyzed me. She taught me how to identify them and provided me with ways to de-escalate them. This is how I was able to finally sleep after giving birth and return to work after my maternity leave.

She created a space for me to evolve into a new version of myself that I chose, while supporting and teaching me ways to safely function in this new space. Before I had children, I was content with nursing, having a flexible schedule and a job I could leave behind. In hindsight, I had lower expectations for myself. When I became a mom, and went through therapy, I realized I wanted to do more. I went through a bit of an identity crisis between figuring out motherhood and career, but it led me to my new role as director of operations for Boram Postnatal Retreat in Manhattan. I could never have imagined these changes before Seleni.

I went into therapy feeling like a lesser version of who I wanted to be and came out with a new sense of self and motherhood. I do not think I would have the healthy relationship I have today with my two children without the support I received from Seleni. As a NICU nurse, I find so many moms leaving the NICU with the support and confidence I had after therapy because of the attention and care they receive for themselves and their baby during that time. However, having a baby in the NICU is too high of a price to pay for that type of support.

My firm belief in the power of perinatal and postpartum support for moms is why I joined Boram and why I urge so many women to seek therapy when they are experiencing anxiety and depression during pregnancy. Remember, your thoughts are not who you are. Therapy can help transform overwhelming feelings of anxiety into overwhelming feelings of joy at becoming a parent and your best self.

Sarah Mallin is Director of Operations and a founding member of Boram Postnatal Retreat in Manhattan.