How To Really Be there For Someone Experiencing Infertility
Relaxing won’t fix infertility.
As a mother who gave birth with relative ease, I didn’t get it.
I didn’t understand the experiences of my friends who were going through fertility treatments. I didn’t get that my anxiety around how long it took for me to get pregnant with my third child was a small window into the prolonged infertility they faced daily, some for years.
I didn’t understand that telling my friends to “just relax” was probably one of the worst things I could say to them, as they endured injections and egg retrievals, experienced a roller coaster of emotions from disappointment and grief to depression and anxiety, struggled with the added stress on their marriages, and worried about the financial pressures of trying to conceive a child.
Like many of my colleagues and friends, I just didn’t know how to talk about infertility despite my professional and personal experiences. I wanted to be a good friend, and my intentions were good, but I had no idea how to really be there for them.
I’m embarrassed to admit, but I still didn’t get it until I stepped into the role of executive director of Seleni earlier this year. Meeting with our clinicians and learning about the specialty of treating individuals and couples who are going through infertility treatments, grief and loss has been eye opening for me. The statistics indicating the prevalence of infertility shed even more light on the issue, and on my lack of knowledge.
What I’ve come to realize is that the phrase “just relax” is rooted in a misunderstanding about basic human biology – the assumption that if a couple could only stop worrying, they would increase their chances of getting pregnant. The truth is that birthing individuals have only a 20% chance of getting pregnant in any given cycle, and stress itself is not proven to be associated with an individual’s ability to conceive. Worse yet, the expression transforms infertility from a medical issue into a goal someone hasn't tried hard enough to achieve. That’s a lot packed into a phrase that seems harmless enough, and that many of us have said to our friends and loved ones in an effort to be helpful – or because we simply didn’t know what else to say.
Of course, it shouldn’t take working in a mental health practice like Seleni to get it. Infertility is a serious social issue that needs to be addressed in the same way we talk about other health conditions. A recent report from the World Health Organization (WHO) found that a staggering one in six people are affected by infertility worldwide. The impact of infertility and associated treatments – not to mention the stigma and silence that surround it – on one’s mental and physical health and on personal finances led the WHO to call for getter access to affordable and effective infertility treatment. I would strongly add to this the need for greater access to affordable and effective mental health care for those dealing with infertility. Fertility treatment is both physically demanding and mentally draining, and both elements need attention and care.
Without proper support, infertility is a silent struggle for many individuals and couples. Let’s face it: Despite the openness of many celebrities sharing their own fertility struggles over the years, as a society we are not comfortable talking about infertility. As a result, there is abundant misinformation and few established ways to respond and help. That often leaves the burden of educating others about infertility etiquette on those experiencing it. And while we must always respect wishes for privacy, the stigma around infertility forces individuals and couples to strategize quick or witty things they can say when asked the worst possible question one can hear at a family gathering: “So when are you having kids?” Instead of responding, “Oh, we’re too busy practicing raising our dog,” imagine if they could say, “We’re actually struggling and going through infertility treatments.” Imagine if they felt secure they would be received with a compassionate response and open ears. (Clinician Erica Mindes has some good suggestions in this month’s Seleni Spotlight.)
So how can we, as a society, and as friends and family members of loved ones experiencing infertility, do better?
Be a good and compassionate listener. Let them know that, while you may not have experienced infertility, you can imagine the stress and emotions they are likely going through and reassure them you are there for them if they need to talk during their journey. This can go a long way to validating their experience and making them feel they are not alone.
Don’t reassure them based on the fertility success story of someone else you know. Hope is a good thing, but not when it can be interpreted as yet another performance metric. These stories can further distress your friend or loved one who is steeped in their own infertility mystery.
Encourage your friend group to be mindful of their own celebratory pregnancy announcements and baby showers, by being compassionate when sharing news and invitations. Understanding that one may or may not be able to celebrate your joyful news doesn’t make them less of a friend. They may simply be unable to differentiate their struggle from your joy.
Gently suggest they consider professional support for themselves or as a couple. Therapy can help people emotionally process what they are going through and develop resilience and coping strategies for managing the highs and lows of fertility treatment.
Finally, instead of saying “just relax,” offer your friends options for things you can do together – take a walk, grab a coffee, or even join them on a fertility visit. These small ways to be there for your friends will let them know how they can lean on you going forward. Stress reduction and therapy – and having friends to talk to – can make the infertility journey a little less painful and isolating, and a lot more empowered of a process.
